He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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