sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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