Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
