at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
