im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You ruined the universe
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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