just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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