Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
