dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
