I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
