I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
