Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
