Who wears a wallet chain?!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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