Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
