"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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