dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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