does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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