i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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