Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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