but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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