HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
