Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
