the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
