I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
