Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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