11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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