Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
