she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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