I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
