I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
