i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize