Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
