So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
