oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize