The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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