I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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