Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
