im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
