if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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