She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
