Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
