Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
