This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
