I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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