so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
