I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
