the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
