I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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