I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Randomize
