Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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