i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
