guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Randomize
