In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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