The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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