i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
