careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
