I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
