highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
