i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
