Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize