the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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