Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
